Two Fatalities Aboard the Zygos Taverna
Play | Fiction | 39 min read
Two Fatalities is set aboard a cruise ship called the Zygos Taverna, where Lucy—sharp, flirtatious, and drinking steadily—meets Porter on deck while her husband Janek is quietly trying to die. The three of them circle each other over lunch and drinks and late nights on the misty deck until Janek succeeds, and it ends where it began, with Lucy introducing herself to Porter as if for the first time. Contains suicide, infidelity, and alcohol use. "Make every encounter a fatality. Some part of you, and some part of the person you encounter, should die in the meeting"
Characters
- LUCY (female)
- PORTER (male)
- JANEK (male)
- WAITER
Scene 1. The deck of a ship
LUCY. Beautiful day.
PORTER. Beautiful day.
LUCY. I’m Lucy.
PORTER. Porter.
LUCY. Fall in love much, Porter?
PORTER. What?
LUCY. Simple question.
PORTER. Define much.
LUCY. No.
PORTER. No?
LUCY. I won’t. I will not. I will not define much.
PORTER. I fell in love once. She was..I’ve never been so affected by a person.
LUCY. Me either..never so affected as when I was in love.
PORTER. And who did you love?
LUCY. I loved a man.
PORTER. Just one?
LUCY. Just this one that I’m thinking of.
PORTER. I loved a man once, too.
LUCY. Did you?
PORTER. Yes.
LUCY. Just one?
PORTER. Just one.
LUCY. Well aren’t you full of surprises. Want a chip?
PORTER. Thanks.
LUCY. Have two.
PORTER. Mmm.
LUCY. Want an animal cracker? I’m stocked.
PORTER. I’m okay.
LUCY. Really, you better have one.
PORTER. You’re right. Really, I better. Ooh, an elephant.
LUCY. Bite the legs off first.
PORTER. Usually I start with the head.
LUCY. That reflects what type of lover you are.
PORTER. No.
LUCY. Yeah. If you start with the heads you’re more the bondage type.
PORTER. And you start with the legs.
LUCY. Yeah, I’m more the murder-suicide type.
PORTER. That has nothing to do with sex.
LUCY. Don’t be so sure.
Lucy pulls out a miniature silver pistol, points it at Porter.
PORTER. You’d kill me already?
She points it at herself.
LUCY. Maybe me first.
PORTER. No.
LUCY. No.
She hands it to him, he points it out to the sea.
PORTER. It’s beautiful.
LUCY. It belongs to my husband. He was just about to shoot himself with it.
PORTER. I see.
LUCY. I had to take it away from him before he did anything stupid.
Porter pretends to shoot the pistol, then gives it back.
PORTER. I’m not into bondage.
Lucy pockets the pistol.
LUCY. Bummer.
PORTER. Well, not that into it.
LUCY. I’m not that into murder-suicide, either, just on the weekends.
PORTER. Today’s Saturday.
LUCY. I know.
PORTER. Can I have another cracker?
LUCY. Wha’d you get?
PORTER. Hippo.
LUCY. Give it to me.
PORTER. Why?
LUCY. They’re my favorite.
PORTER. Start with the head.
LUCY. Why, you wanna tie me up?
PORTER. Maybe. Can I?
LUCY. Ask me later.
PORTER. It’s later.
LUCY. So ask.
PORTER. Can I tie you up?
LUCY. You’re gonna be mad at me.
PORTER. Why?
LUCY. I’m married.
PORTER. I’m furious. Is he here?
LUCY. See that guy right over there?
PORTER. Mmm.
LUCY. I’ve never met that guy in my life
PORTER. Good. Can I tie you up now?
LUCY. No. That is my husband.
PORTER. He can help.
LUCY. That really is my husband.
PORTER. Excuse me, sir!
The guy comes over.
JANEK. Lovely, who’s this?
LUCY. What’s your name again?
PORTER. Porter.
JANEK. Janek Henning.
PORTER. Nice to meet you.
JANEK. Nice to meet you.
LUCY. We were just saying what a beautiful day it is today.
JANEK. Yes. It is today. Beautiful day.
Scene 2. Janek and Lucy in their cabin
JANEK. What was that guy’s name again?
LUCY. You know I’m bad with names.
JANEK. Porter.
LUCY. Yeah.
JANEK. Let’s have lunch with him tomorrow.
LUCY. Why?
JANEK. He seemed genial.
Lucy sneakily stuffs the silver pistol into a drawer.
LUCY. That’s a horrible reason to have lunch with someone.
JANEK. It’s a fine reason, let’s invite him.
LUCY. I would if I knew where he was.
JANEK. We’ll see him around. Don’t drink anymore tonight ok?
LUCY. This is a gin martini.
JANEK. So?
LUCY. Call it what it is.
JANEK. It’s a gin martini.
LUCY. Right.
JANEK. Don’t drink it.
LUCY. I will stop. After this one.
JANEK. Whatever.
LUCY. Don’t you like our drunk sex?
JANEK. Are we going to have it?
LUCY. Why not.
JANEK. That’s my girl.
LUCY. Mm.
JANEK. Such enthusiasm.
LUCY. Blow me.
JANEK. I’m going out.
LUCY. I’m almost done.
JANEK. You’ll have your drink first, then we fuck.
LUCY. I’m thirsty baby.
JANEK. Back in a while.
LUCY. No. Where are you going? I’m ready now.
JANEK. Drink your drink.
LUCY. No, stay.
JANEK. I’ll be back in twenty minutes.
LUCY. I’ll be asleep.
JANEK. Okay, ten.
LUCY. Are you mad?
He kisses her forehead.
JANEK. I’m not mad.
Scene 3. Porter smokes his pipe on deck, Janek comes up
PORTER. You again.
JANEK. She’s a flirt, I apologize.
PORTER. But you let her out of your sight. Where is she now?
JANEK. There’s not much chance she’s running around now.
PORTER. Got her tied up in the room, a little bondage?
JANEK. Nope. I eat the legs first.
PORTER. The whole animal cracker thing.
JANEK. She says that all the time.
PORTER. Piece of work.
JANEK. She’s okay. Drinks too much.
PORTER. How’d you meet?
JANEK. On a ship. Just kidding.
PORTER. That’s funny.
JANEK. Have lunch with us tomorrow.
PORTER. No.
JANEK. Truce. Seriously, I’m sorry if she hurt your feelings.
PORTER. Don’t be sorry for me.
JANEK. Have lunch with us.
PORTER. It might be awkward.
JANEK. Tell me, what did she say to you?
PORTER. Don’t you think it might be awkward for you?
JANEK. No.
PORTER. Well, I’m telling you, it might be awkward for me.
JANEK. She’s fine. We’ll have a nice time, get to know us.
PORTER. Why not.
JANEK. That’s the spirit.
PORTER. Why not.
JANEK. That’s the spirit. It’ll be fun. Do you drink?
PORTER. On ships? All the time.
JANEK. You’ll love my wife.
PORTER. Alcoholic?
JANEK. Hard core.
PORTER. Perfect.
JANEK. Beautiful night.
PORTER. Beautiful.
Scene 4. Janek comes into his and Lucy’s cabin, Lucy is passed out
JANEK. How’s my little gin martini?
Janek kisses his wife. She turns.
LUCY. Mm.
Scene 5. At lunch, at a table on the deck of the Zygos Taverna
LUCY. Animal cracker?
PORTER. I’m fine with the steak.
JANEK. Would you stop with the animal cracker thing?
LUCY. Bring me another one of these things.
WAITER. Sir?
JANEK. Don’t ask me, she’s her own person.
WAITER. Right away miss. No offense intended.
LUCY. It’s fine, thank you. No offense taken, I know I’m plastered
WAITER. Very good.
LUCY. Do you want an animal cracker?
WAITER. No thank you miss.
LUCY. You don’t know what you’re missing.
WAITER. Thank you miss. Be right back with your drink.
LUCY. It’s a gin martini.
JANEK. Leave him alone.
PORTER. Yes, torment me instead.
LUCY. Now the two of you are going to bully up on me, I see.
JANEK. It’s the only way we can get an even match.
LUCY. And what’s with you telling him that I’m some kind of colossal flirt?
JANEK. Aren’t you?
LUCY. Marriage is too hard, too long, too difficult for a human being.
JANEK. Here here. You married porter?
PORTER. No.
JANEK. Ever have been?
PORTER. No. Slept with a married woman once, but she wasn’t married to me.
LUCY. Nice.
PORTER. Actually we slept together for five months.
LUCY. That’s horrible.
JANEK. Did the guy ever find out?
PORTER. No. They had already split, but technically she was still married.
LUCY. That doesn’t count.
JANEK. Sure it does.
LUCY. It counts for something. It just doesn’t count for what you want it to.
PORTER. How long have you two been married.
JANEK. If you ask her she’ll say it’s been too long.
LUCY. It has been too long.
JANEK. In our case too long is measured in a span of six years.
LUCY. See?
PORTER. And you stayed faithful?
LUCY. I did.
PORTER. What about him? No?
LUCY. He says he did, but there was this one girl—
JANEK. I never fucked her.
LUCY. But you wanted to.
JANEK. Of course I wanted to. But I didn’t.
LUCY. So you say.
WAITER. Gin martini.
LUCY. Are you married?
WAITER. No.
LUCY. You should get married.
WAITER. Anything else?
LUCY. Yes. I think it would help if you cut your hair.
JANEK. Be nice, don’t hurt his feelings. Your hair is kindof long.
WAITER. It is too long.
PORTER. It’s fine. Don’t listen to them.
LUCY. I’ll cut it for you later. W e’re in room twelve, come by anytime.
JANEK. Do you have scissors?
LUCY. Of course not, but this boat has to come with scissors.
WAITER. Enjoy your gin martini.
JANEK. Thank you.
WAITER. I’ll be back to check on you in a minute.
LUCY. Bring the scissors.
PORTER. Be careful, he might seriously bring scissors over here.
LUCY. At which point I’ll cut his hair.
PORTER. Do you cut hair?
LUCY. I’m looking to start.
JANEK. You’ll butcher him.
LUCY. And he’ll love every minute.
JANEK. No doubt. So, this married woman you fucked.
PORTER. Kathryn.
JANEK. Was she the only woman you ever cheated with, or on?
PORTER. I cheated once..on someone.
LUCY. Was it nice?
PORTER. It was horrible.
LUCY. I bet it was nice.
PORTER. It’s the wrong order to do things in.
JANEK. What happened with the girl you were with, the one you cheated on?
PORTER. We broke up. Not right away. It killed her, really crushed her.
JANEK. Anyone ever cheat on you?
PORTER. Not that I know of. Well. One time. Probably, yeah. Probably.
JANEK. That’s harsh.
PORTER. Wasn’t good. I’m not even sure it happened, but..you kindof know.
LUCY. It’s better to tell the person.
JANEK. It’s better to tell.
PORTER. Did you two really meet on a boat?
LUCY. We really did.
PORTER. Funny.
JANEK. Bathroom.
Janek leaves.
LUCY. I wasn’t just fucking with you yesterday.
PORTER. What’s that mean?
LUCY. Like..toying with you.
PORTER. It’s okay. You are married though, so let’s just keep some distance.
LUCY. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.
PORTER. Thank you.
LUCY. But you did interest me.
PORTER. In what way?
LUCY. In a broad way. Not just in one way.
PORTER. Stop, though.
LUCY. Why?
PORTER. Stop with that.
LUCY. I can’t help what interests me. And I don’t hold back my feelings.
PORTER. I don’t hold back my feelings either.
LUCY. What do you feel?
PORTER. I like you.
LUCY. In which ways?
PORTER. All of them.
LUCY. Meet me tonight.
PORTER. Where?
LUCY. Where we first met. Our railing.
PORTER. You won’t tell him?
LUCY. I won’t. Come at twelve.
PORTER. Don’t tell him.
LUCY. I won’t.
PORTER. If we’re going to have an affair I want it to be a proper secret.
LUCY. Who said anything about an affair?
PORTER. Well, if we’re going to have an illicit meeting.
LUCY. No. It is an affair.
PORTER. Are we really going to do this?
LUCY. I don’t know, just meet me.
Janek comes back.
JANEK. Did she start flirting with you as soon as I left?
PORTER. Actually, she’s gotten incredibly boring since yesterday.
LUCY. It’s the two of you who have gotten incredibly boring.
The waiter comes back with a pair of scissors.
PORTER. Oh my god.
JANEK. He is fearless.
LUCY. Have a seat. Give me those.
WAITER. Should I be scared?
JANEK. Yes. You should be very, very scared.
LUCY. Actually, you should be terrified.
WAITER. Actually, I am terrified.
LUCY. Sit back.
WAITER. Have you ever cut hair before?
LUCY. If I say no is that a problem?
WAITER. No.
LUCY. Then no.
PORTER. You’re a brave man.
LUCY. Have a drink. We’re all having one.
WAITER. My boss won’t let me drink while I’m working.
JANEK. Nonsense, this is the Zygos Taverna!
PORTER. Have a drink.
LUCY. Here, sip this, it’s a—
WAITER. Gin martini, I know.
LUCY. Of course you do. Sorry, but I love to drive that point home.
JANEK. Yes she does.
WAITER. And how do you all know each other?
JANEK. We’re fencing buddies.
PORTER. From way back.
LUCY. Gimme my drink back.
WAITER. God that’s nasty.
LUCY. How short do you want it, short or extra short?
Scene 6. Nighttime, Porter stands at the railing, Janek comes up
PORTER. What’s going on?
JANEK. What are you doing out here? Can’t sleep?
PORTER. Just thinking?
JANEK. Have you seen Lucy?
PORTER. No. She’s not with you?
JANEK. I think she might be down in our room, not sure.
PORTER. You haven’t been down there?
JANEK. Well, I was down there earlier.
PORTER. Was she with you then?
JANEK. She was.
PORTER. Why are you asking me if I’ve seen her?
JANEK. Cause I want to know if you’ve seen her. No reason, why?
PORTER. No reason.
JANEK. So you can’t sleep.
PORTER. Sure can’t.
JANEK. Try getting totally fucking wasted, that’s what my wife does.
PORTER. Sounds fantastic.
JANEK. Yeah.
PORTER. Especially the drunk sex.
JANEK. Did she tell you about that?
PORTER. No. I’m just referring to the general phenomenon.
JANEK. Oh yeah. Seriously, she didn’t mention that to you?
PORTER. No, she didn’t.
JANEK. Ok. Sorry if I’m acting weird..it’s just..she walked out earlier.
PORTER. Out of your room?
JANEK. Out of the room. And she didn’t come back for a while, and I–
PORTER. How long of a while?
JANEK. Maybe fifteen minutes. Maybe just ten, you didn’t see her?
PORTER. I really didn’t.
JANEK. I think you would tell me if you had.
PORTER. What concerns you?
JANEK. What concerns me about her leaving the room for fifteen minutes?
PORTER. Yeah.
JANEK. You’re gonna think I’m crazy.
PORTER. I doubt I’ll think you’re crazy.
JANEK. Ok, I’ll tell you. What concerns me is..that waiter.
PORTER. Did you ask her where she went when she left your room?
JANEK. No, I didn’t want to seem paranoid.
PORTER. Well, if it was just fifteen minutes, nothing could have happened.
JANEK. Not unless they were really efficient.
PORTER. I mean it could have happened, but that would have to be—
JANEK. Really quick—
PORTER. Too quick, unlikely—
JANEK. Right, that’s true. It’s just my mind. Let me ask you something though.
PORTER. Sure.
JANEK. Did they seem like they were sitting kindof close?
PORTER. Ehh, maybe.
JANEK. Did she seem like she was too into it?
PORTER. Nah. I don’t know. Probably not.
JANEK. It seemed like, just..
PORTER. Just..
JANEK. Just a haircut.
PORTER. Just a haircut, yeah. I think so.
JANEK. Yeah, thanks. It’s probably nothing. You don’t think I’m paranoid.
PORTER. Well, she gives you reason to be.
JANEK. Yes she does. Thanks for talking this out. I’m tired, I’m going back.
PORTER. Sleep well.
JANEK. Thanks. Say, you want to get a drink?
PORTER. Is the bar open?
JANEK. I’m pretty sure it’s twenty-four hour.
PORTER. I don’t know. It’s very late.
JANEK. What do you have to do in the morning?
PORTER. True.
JANEK. Sit, get a drink. We’ll talk about women.
PORTER. Hmm.
JANEK. We’ll talk about sports.
PORTER. Hmm.
JANEK. We’ll talk about technology, I don’t care, come get a drink.
PORTER. Okay.
JANEK. Yeah?
PORTER. Sure.
JANEK. Good, good!
Janek puts his arm around Porter and leads him away.
Scene 7. Janek and Porter at the bar
JANEK. I’m standing next to this guy in the urinal, and he does one of these..
PORTER. No.
JANEK. Yeah. Like, there’s a homeless fat man, naked, crouched on the toilet..
PORTER. Weirdest bathroom I ever went to—
JANEK. The guy has shit himself. This guy next to me is inching over—
PORTER. Weirdest bathroom I ever went to was not in this country.
JANEK. I wonder if women’s bathrooms are this crazy.
PORTER. They can’t be.
JANEK. Can you imagine two girls jerking each other off at the urinals?
PORTER. If they had urinals.
JANEK. You’re not drunk enough to be talking to me, give him another.
PORTER. No.
JANEK. Give him another.
PORTER. No, I’m drunk enough. I’m drunk enough.
JANEK. Also, why are women homeless people less insane than men?
PORTER. I don’t know.
JANEK. You see women homeless people, but they’re not..they’re not..
PORTER. They’re not nearly as crazy.
JANEK. No.
PORTER. It’s like the serial killer thing.
JANEK. What is that?
PORTER. How there aren’t any women serial killers.
JANEK. Oh yeah. Well, there are, but—
PORTER. There are?
JANEK. There are women serial killers. But not nearly as many as men.
PORTER. It’s just some hormone the addition of which makes one—
JANEK. Right—
PORTER. Makes one a serial killer.
JANEK. My friend, I’m trashed.
PORTER. As am I.
JANEK. Can you walk me back to my room.
PORTER. You need help to walk?
JANEK. I think I might.
PORTER. Ok. Sure.
JANEK. I’m sorry I was being paranoid about Lucy earlier.
PORTER. It’s ok. No need to apologize.
JANEK. Are we all paid up?
PORTER. More than.
JANEK. Good, let’s go then. Whoah!
PORTER. Hold on.
JANEK. Right, see. I said I might need help with that.
PORTER. Ok.
JANEK. Such things are not to be attempted lightly.
PORTER. No.
JANEK. Always good to get shitfaced on a boat.
PORTER. You’re too heavy.
JANEK. I can make it on my own!
PORTER. Fine.
JANEK. Would you shut the fuck up and listen to me for a moment?
PORTER. Go ahead.
JANEK. It’s about my wife. You know I love my wife, right?
PORTER. Of course.
JANEK. And I wouldn’t want anything to happen..that would mess that up.
PORTER. Of course.
JANEK. But..there are exceptions. Life is not a hard and fast rule, you know?
PORTER. I know.
JANEK. I know you know that. You’re a reasonable man, you impress me—
PORTER. Stop. Now you’re just drunk talking.
JANEK. No I’m not! Not just—you do impress me. You do.
PORTER. Thanks.
JANEK. I’m very impressed by you.
PORTER. I have every respect for you as well.
JANEK. Do you?
PORTER. Yes.
JANEK. Yes?
PORTER. Yes.
JANEK. Well, this is awkward, I know, but I guess there’s only one way to do it.
Janek leans in and kisses Porter. Porter pulls away.
JANEK. No? Oh, I’m sorry. How embarrasing, I’m a shit.
PORTER. It’s alright, it’s alright, I’ll walk you to your room.
JANEK. No. I can make it.
Scene 8. Porter waits at the railing, Lucy comes up
LUCY. Beautiful night.
PORTER. Strange night.
LUCY. They go together.
PORTER. How’s your husband?
LUCY. Oh, I don’t want to talk about him.
PORTER. I don’t either, just tell me he’s not about to walk up those stairs.
LUCY. He’s sufficiently destroyed, thanks to you.
PORTER. Yeah? Are we still having our affair?
LUCY. Who said anything about an affair?
PORTER. Are we still having our illicit meeting?
LUCY. We could wait till tomorrow night if you’d prefer.
PORTER. Could you wait, really?
LUCY. No. What happened between you two?
PORTER. How do you know something happened?
LUCY. I know my husband.
PORTER. I doubt he’d want me to tell you.
LUCY. That he’s gay? Yes, I know.
PORTER. Why are you together?
LUCY. Why do you think?
PORTER. Did you know when you met him?
LUCY. I wasn’t sure. Let’s not talk about him now.
PORTER. You brought him up.
LUCY. I know, I’m sorry. Let’s not say anything. Give me a smoke.
PORTER. No more animal crackers.
LUCY. I’m all out.
PORTER. Did you see the waiter?
LUCY. Is that what’s worrying you?
PORTER. It does, it does worry me, yes.
LUCY. That was just a haircut.
PORTER. Maybe this is just a smoke.
LUCY. It is what it is.
PORTER. I wonder, though, love—
LUCY. Oh, it’s love now? What do you wonder?
PORTER. If our ideas on what this is are similar. Do you fuck him?
LUCY. Janek? Of course.
PORTER. What’s that like?
LUCY. Dead.
PORTER. Why do you stay then?
LUCY. Do we have to talk about my husband?
PORTER. I’m sorry.
LUCY. I stay because he loves me. There’s a tenderness, we’re familiar.
PORTER. Like a brother and sister, though?
LUCY. Don’t judge me.
PORTER. I’m not, I’m trying to understand.
LUCY. How can you? You don’t love.
PORTER. I don’t?
LUCY. How long have you been alone?
PORTER. I know that love isn’t lukewarm.
LUCY. You’re thinking of lust.
PORTER. Oh.
LUCY. Love is tepid on its sunniest day.
PORTER. I think we’re talking about two kinds of love.
LUCY. This is the worst affair I’ve ever had.
PORTER. It’s just hard for me to get over—
LUCY. Him?
PORTER. Yes.
LUCY. Get over it. I need sex, from you.
PORTER. So do I, from you.
LUCY. Mm..What’s wrong?
PORTER. I’m sorry.
LUCY. What is it?
PORTER. I can’t get it out of my mind. Earlier tonight. He kissed me.
LUCY. Come downstairs. Where’s your key? What’s wrong?
PORTER. I can’t.
LUCY. Ohh, bof, why should we suffer?
PORTER. He’s the one suffering.
LUCY. You go be with him then.
PORTER. And you. Don’t you suffer with him?
LUCY. Yes. Yes. That’s why we’re doing this, to take my mind off it.
PORTER. When’s the last time you did it with him?
LUCY. Oh, you suck. Why do you want to know that? Last night.
PORTER. Did he tie you up?
LUCY. No. He didn’t.
PORTER. Good.
LUCY. Yeah?
PORTER. Like you’ve never been done before.
LUCY. You’re moody.
PORTER. Sorry.
LUCY. No. I like that.
PORTER. There’s something you should know.
LUCY. Tell me anything.
PORTER. When I do something, I don’t do it with half my heart.
LUCY. Neither do I.
PORTER. I’m not going to regret this.
LUCY. Not if I do my part.
PORTER. When I look back I’ll be happy we connected this way.
LUCY. I hope so.
PORTER. It’s not stolen. It’s not a trick.
LUCY. It is stolen from someone.
PORTER. Yes.
LUCY. But not from us.
She leads him by the hand down the stairs, below deck.
Scene 9. Porter’s room, total darkness
LUCY. Ow!
PORTER. Too tight?
LUCY. Maybe. No, leave it. Oh, you’re evil. Ahh!
PORTER. Somebody’s ready.
A knock at the door.
JANEK. Porter. Porter, I can hear you awake in there, you’re talking to yourself.
PORTER. What is it?
JANEK. I can’t find my wife.
PORTER. What do you want me to do?
JANEK. Help me look for her.
PORTER. It’s a small boat, she’ll come back.
Janek bangs on the door.
JANEK. Open up. I’m sorry about earlier. Can we get over that?
PORTER. We’re over it.
Janek bangs on the door again.
PORTER. Stop that. People are trying to sleep, including me.
JANEK. Come help me look.
PORTER. Go back to bed.
JANEK. She’s with that waiter.
PORTER. She is not with the waiter.
JANEK. Help me look.
PORTER. Go to bed.
Janek knocks on the door again.
PORTER. I’m serious, get away from my door. No offense, but I need to sleep.
JANEK. Fine, fine. I’m going, but if she’s dead it’s your fault.
PORTER. You’re drunk. Get some sleep.
JANEK. Or if I find she’s sleeping with that waiter.
PORTER. You’re safe on that front, my friend.
Janek comes back to the door.
JANEK. Is she in there!?
PORTER. Step away from my door, Janek.
JANEK. She better not be in there.
PORTER. Good night, good night.
Janek goes.
PORTER. Can you stay?
LUCY. Half an hour.
Scene 10. It’s the afternoon; Porter, Lucy, and Janek sit at a table
They pick at food. No one says anything for a long time. The waiter comes up. His hair is uneven and massively shorter than before. He goes to take Lucy’s plate away, but she stops him.
LUCY. It’s alright.
WAITER. No, it’s fine. I’ll get it.
LUCY. I’m sorry.
WAITER. Don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal.
LUCY. I can try to fix it.
WAITER. No.
JANEK. I’m sure he’s been more than compensated.
LUCY. We’re fine. Just ignore him.
JANEK. More than compensated.
LUCY. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
JANEK. Did you tell her what happened? Did you?
LUCY. I already know, you fag.
PORTER. I didn’t tell her anything.
LUCY. You practically told me, when you came in.
JANEK. I’m sorry.
LUCY. What do I care?
JANEK. I’m an evil human being.
PORTER. No you’re not. Don’t call him a fag, be nice.
LUCY. Spoken like a true fag, now there’s two of you.
JANEK. Just don’t go behind my back, porter, if we ever get married.
PORTER. I’m probably never going to get married.
LUCY. That’s a horrible thing to say.
PORTER. It’s true.
LUCY. Well, that’s a horrible way to be.
JANEK. No, he’s right. What’s the point of it, these days?
LUCY. I love you, you know that?
JANEK. But what does that love mean. What does it translate into?
LUCY. Love isn’t about that you do. It’s about how you feel.
JANEK. The two should go together.
LUCY. You can speak.
PORTER. Please, let’s have a little peace. A little peace for breakfast.
They sit in silence. Waiter comes back, approaches gingerly. When he picks up Janek’s plate, Janek grabs the waiter’s collar.
JANEK. Did you fuck my wife?
Dishes fall. Porter and Lucy both jump up.
LUCY. Leave him alone.
PORTER. Lay off!
JANEK. Did you fuck my wife?
LUCY. He didn’t do anything.
PORTER. Let go of him.
JANEK. Just tell me. It’s okay, I’m a fag anyway.
LUCY. Drop it with that.
PORTER. I’m very sorry.
JANEK. If you fucked my wife, I won’t be mad. I promise, I won’t be mad.
PORTER. Just leave us alone. I’m sorry.
Janek pulls out the silver mini-pistol and points it at the waiter.
JANEK. Please offer me the respect of telling me.
LUCY. I didn’t sleep with him.
JANEK. I’d like to hear it from him.
PORTER. Janek, relax.
JANEK. Please stay out of this. Just tell me, kid.
WAITER. I didn’t do anything.
LUCY. I gave him a bad haircut, is all, baby, give me that.
JANEK. That is a pretty bad haircut.
LUCY. No, it’s awful. Give me that. You’re just upset.
JANEK. But do I have a reason to be?
LUCY. What do you mean?
JANEK. Did you get with this kid?
LUCY. No.
JANEK. Where were you last night?
LUCY. Nowhere.
JANEK. You were somewhere. Where were you?
LUCY. I wasn’t with him.
Janek steps to the waiter, the gun muzzle touches the kid’s head.
JANEK. Was my wife with you last night?
The waiter shakes his head.
JANEK. Say it.
WAITER. No.
JANEK. Then where the fuck were you?!
Porter puts his hand on Janek’s gun arm.
PORTER. Janek.
JANEK. What?
PORTER. She was with me.
Janek takes this in, lowers the gun, steps back from the situation.
JANEK. I have never cheated on you.
LUCY. We shoulda never been together in the first place.
JANEK. You’re only ever toe-deep in love.
LUCY. Baby, stop being dramatic.
JANEK. Porter.
PORTER. I’m sorry.
JANEK. Want an animal cracker?
Janek steps to the railing, points the gun at himself, shoots. Lights out.
—Intermission—
Scene 11. In Lucy and Janek’s cabin
Janek is in bed, his shoulder bandaged.
JANEK. Ow!
LUCY. You’re lucky.
JANEK. I’m just stupid, is all I am.
LUCY. What are you gonna do, when we dock?
JANEK. What do you mean? You’re serious.
LUCY. We can’t go on like this.
JANEK. I’m too used to you, I can’t handle myself without you.
LUCY. I know, that’s becoming a problem for me.
JANEK. Then stay, we’ll get a little place. We’ll get two places—
LUCY. I don’t want two places.
JANEK. I just thought you might be more comfortable—
LUCY. But what are we then?
JANEK. There are different types of couples.
LUCY. I can’t do two places.
JANEK. If the existing models don’t work, try something new.
LUCY. We tried.
JANEK. Try again.
LUCY. I’m tired, I can’t.
JANEK. Don’t go.
LUCY. I need some air.
JANEK. Don’t see him now. We need to work things out, between us.
LUCY. We’re done.
JANEK. Help me.
LUCY. You’re fine. I can’t always be standing between you and a gun.
JANEK. You won’t be.
LUCY. I’m not so sure.
JANEK. Don’t go.
LUCY. I’ll be back.
JANEK. Don’t see him, I can’t stand thinking about it.
LUCY. Maybe I’m not going to see him.
JANEK. Are you or aren’t you?
LUCY. None of your business.
JANEK. I’m dying and you’re having an affair.
LUCY. Did you kiss Porter last night?
JANEK. Yes.
LUCY. While he was drunk?
JANEK. We were both drunk.
LUCY. He’s not gay.
JANEK. Now we know for sure.
LUCY. Not funny.
JANEK. Stay.
LUCY. No.
JANEK. Stay.
LUCY. No.
Scene 12. In Lucy and Janek’s cabin
Lucy comes back.
JANEK. Did you fuck him?
LUCY. Jesus.
JANEK. How was it?
LUCY. There are other things to do on this ship, you know.
JANEK. Like what?
LUCY. Shoot yourself in the shoulder.
JANEK. Did you do that? I think you heal faster than me.
LUCY. Cause I’m a girl.
JANEK. Stay with me.
LUCY. I’m with you.
JANEK. When we dock.
She turns from him.
JANEK. If you don’t, what are you gonna do?
LUCY. I’ll manage.
JANEK. I know you’ll manage..but..why make things harder on yourself?
LUCY. How’s your shoulder?
JANEK. We can get two places, you can be with whoever you want, I won’t pry.
LUCY. Then what are you and I?
JANEK. It’s not always in a definition.
LUCY. I don’t want two places.
JANEK. I won’t even have to come over, you can get a place I don’t know about.
LUCY. Stop.
JANEK. Anywhere you want, just to know you’re in the same city..
LUCY. What if you get mad at me?
JANEK. When have I ever gotten mad at you—
LUCY. Ooohhh—
JANEK. Recently.
LUCY. You’re mad at me all the time.
She is leaving.
JANEK. Back for more, huh? He must really have you wound up tight.
LUCY. Save your strength.
JANEK. I’m feeling much better, maybe we can make this a threesome.
LUCY. I’ll ask.
JANEK. Please don’t go.
She closes the door, leaving Janek alone in the cabin.
Scene 13. In Lucy and Janek’s cabin
Janek is sleeping. Lucy comes in.
LUCY. Do you need anything?
JANEK. Get me out of this room.
LUCY. Let’s get some dinner.
JANEK. You came to check on me, you do love me.
LUCY. Of course I love you.
JANEK. I love you, too.
LUCY. Okay.
JANEK. Listen, I would never want to push things..
LUCY. Then don’t.
JANEK. What’s for dinner?
LUCY. That’s my boy.
JANEK. Ahh!
LUCY. Sorry.
JANEK. What have you been doing? Not prying, not prying, how’s the weather?
LUCY. Crappy. Raining.
JANEK. Really?
LUCY. Actually, it’s beautiful.
JANEK. Good. Let’s eat outside.
LUCY. Wherever you like.
JANEK. You’re in a pleasant mood.
LUCY. Don’t start.
JANEK. No, it’s fine, invite him. I don’t care. Even invite that waiter.
LUCY. We might have to get a different waiter.
JANEK. You don’t think he’ll hold that against me.
LUCY. I think he is holding it against you.
JANEK. You talked to him.
LUCY. I listened.
JANEK. He had a lot to say?
LUCY. Very colorfully. I told him you were manic-depressive.
JANEK. Did that help?
LUCY. Didn’t seem to care.
JANEK. Tell him I’ll tip a lot.
LUCY. He asked to work in the kitchen tonight.
JANEK. He’s going to poison me.
LUCY. No. Porter’s going to poison you.
JANEK. Why?
LUCY. So he can be with me.
JANEK. Fuck a man’s wife and then you want to poison him. Doesn’t seem right.
LUCY. Is this okay?
JANEK. Yeah. Lucy.
LUCY. Yeah.
JANEK. When we de-board—
LUCY. Answer’s still the same.
JANEK. Think about it.
LUCY. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.
JANEK. Is Porter gonna be there, at dinner?
LUCY. Do you want him to be?
JANEK. Why not.
LUCY. I’ll ask him.
JANEK. Thanks.
Scene 14. Outside, evening, at a table
This evening, Janek and Porter are drinking, and Lucy is not.
PORTER. Are you really manic-depressive?
JANEK. Term’s bipolar.
PORTER. Well are you?
JANEK. Nah, I just like guns.
PORTER. Where is our little guy tonight?
JANEK. Lucy says he asked to work in the back.
PORTER. Too bad, that was a lot of fun yesterday.
JANEK. My shoulder stings like a bitch though.
PORTER. Sure do love your wife’s pussy though.
Porter raises his glass to toast Janek. Janek matches him. Lucy punches porter in the arm.
LUCY. Stop it you all, Jesus, you stuck a gun in that kid’s face.
JANEK. Probably get arrested when we come ashore.
LUCY. Probably.
JANEK. Worth every penny.
LUCY. That doesn’t make any sense.
JANEK. But it doesn’t matter..we’re aboard the Zygos Taverna.
LUCY. You know they really are probably going to arrest you when you get back.
JANEK. Only if I survive.
Lucy takes Porter’s drink from him.
LUCY. Lay off the vodka, Jesus.
PORTER. Hey!
JANEK. Give it back.
LUCY. Since when are you two asshole buddies?
JANEK. Very clever.
LUCY. So to speak.
JANEK. There’s my girl. Life doesn’t always have to be a trial.
LUCY. This coming from you.
The waiter comes out.
WAITER. How is everything?
PORTER. Want a haircut?
LUCY. Leave him alone.
JANEK. I thought you were working the back tonight.
WAITER. We’re short-staffed, believe me, I’d prefer to wash dishes tonight.
PORTER. Don’t be like that.
JANEK. No harm was meant.
LUCY. That was my first time cutting hair.
WAITER. It wasn’t the cutting of hair that was a problem, miss.
JANEK. Look, I said I was sorry.
WAITER. Given that you’re clearly crazy, I accept your apology.
JANEK. Term’s bipolar.
WAITER. Whatever. Would you all like another round of vodkas?
LUCY. Nothing for me.
WAITER. Or would you rather a dish of crack cocaine?
JANEK. The vodkas are fine.
PORTER. I’ll have the crack though.
WAITER. Silver tin okay?
PORTER. Bring a straw.
WAITER. Very good sir.
The waiter leaves.
PORTER. When he comes back offer to shave his head.
Janek and porter fake-fight, but it’s on that cracking edge.
JANEK. Did you fuck my wife!
PORTER. Yes!
JANEK. Did you fuck my wife?!!
PORTER. Yes!
JANEK. I know you did you shit. You’re lucky I didn’t shoot you yesterday.
PORTER. You’re lucky I didn’t shoot you in self defense, you faggot.
LUCY. Boys, boys, I can’t take this! Stop, please. Please, my head hurts.
JANEK. Sorry, dear. Have porter here give you a backrub, it’ll help.
LUCY. How convenient it is for this all to come to a head right now.
JANEK. You couldn’t be giving head to a better man than my friend Porter.
LUCY. Please. And you make him stop, this stopped being cute an hour ago.
JANEK. But what else do people talk about in an age with no integrity?
PORTER. Unfortunately I’m woven into precisely the things I rail against.
JANEK. The thing to do is find some moderation, some happiness inbetween..
PORTER. It’s true you can’t navigate at all with too rigid a stance.
Waiter comes back.
WAITER. Vodkas. I brought one for you just in case, miss.
LUCY. On second thought, thank you.
She downs it.
LUCY. Thank you sir may I please have another.
WAITER. Right away, and for you, and you.
He passes out the other vodkas. Lucy stands and goes to the railing.
LUCY. Of all the oceans of the world, we find ourselves in this one.
Janek starts to grimace, to choke.
PORTER. You okay?
LUCY. Baby?
PORTER. Took it in the wrong pipe?
JANEK. So to speak.
PORTER. Are you choking?
Janek shakes his head.
LUCY. What’s wrong baby? He’s choking!
PORTER. He wouldn’t be able to talk if he was choking. Just breathe out.
JANEK. There’s something in the drink.
LUCY. There’s not something in the drink, you just breathed it in the wrong way.
JANEK. It’s..the drink.
PORTER. Is there something in this drink?
WAITER. There’s nothing in the drink, he’s choking.
LUCY. Baby!
PORTER. Hit him!
LUCY. You do it!
Janek seems to be expiring.
LUCY. Jesus! What is in the drink?
WAITER. It’s just vodka!
The waiter starts giving Janek the Heimlich.
JANEK. Get off me. Get off me.
Janek brushes himself off, stands up.
JANEK. I just wanted to see if you assholes would sit there and let me die.
Everyone is shocked.
JANEK. Looks like I was wrong.
Janek walks off, down the stairs, below deck.
Scene 15. Janek and Lucy’s cabin
He’s already there. She comes in and starts packing.
LUCY. You’re evil.
JANEK. Not really, baby, I’m just a scientist.
LUCY. That makes it all better. We were scared.
JANEK. You’re not coming back to live with me?
LUCY. I am not.
JANEK. Well, consider your account dead.
LUCY. Bummer.
JANEK. You don’t care?
LUCY. I don’t.
JANEK. Yes you do.
LUCY. I’ll manage. I’m getting another room.
JANEK. Surely you can sleep with me for one more night.
LUCY. No.
JANEK. Then we de-board, then you and Porter run off together.
LUCY. I’m not running off. I’m not even sure I’ll be with Porter.
JANEK. Just make sure he’s not gay before you marry him.
LUCY. Don’t worry, I made double sure last night.
JANEK. Oh yeah? What does he do that I don’t?
LUCY. New subject.
JANEK. What?
LUCY. The account.
JANEK. What about it?
LUCY. Will you leave what’s in there in there?
JANEK. This is you not-caring about the account.
LUCY. I don’t care about you keeping it going, that wouldn’t be fair.
JANEK. This is you..not-caring about the account.
LUCY. A simple question. Will you leave what’s in there in there?
JANEK. Or what? You’re forced to go whoring with Porter?
Lucy slaps Janek.
JANEK. Sucks, doesn’t it? Without me your options change.
She goes to him, slowly, gently, and kisses his forehead.
LUCY. I did love you.
She leaves the room.
JANEK. Don’t go.
She closes the door.
Scene 16. Misty night, Porter and Lucy on deck
PORTER. Tomorrow, I have two train tickets heading down the coast.
LUCY. Is one of them for me?
PORTER. If you want for it to be. Do you want it to be?
LUCY. Maybe.
PORTER. Just maybe.
LUCY. Isn’t maybe good enough sometimes?
PORTER. It depends on how closely you’re involved with the person who says it.
LUCY. I know, I’m sorry, but it is just maybe.
PORTER. What about tonight, is tonight just maybe also?
LUCY. Tonight is most definitely definitely.
PORTER. Yeah?
LUCY. Definitely most definitely.
PORTER. Our last night aboard the Zygos Taverna..maybe not our last night..
LUCY. It’s not our last night. It just might be our last night for a while.
PORTER. Live with me.
LUCY. It’s too soon.
PORTER. You’d like my place.
LUCY. What would I like about it?
PORTER. You’d like the rocking chairs on the front porch..cracking paint..
LUCY. Mm.
PORTER. You’d like the beach. There’s a broken fence the dogs trample over.
LUCY. You have dogs!?
PORTER. I love my dogs.
LUCY. What kinds?
PORTER. A scottish terrier and a golden retriever.
LUCY. I love golden retrievers.
PORTER. So do I.
LUCY. That must make the other one jealous.
PORTER. I don’t let on.
LUCY. What are their sexes?
PORTER. Both girls.
LUCY. You like girls better.
PORTER. I do.
LUCY. They like you too, don’t they?
PORTER. They have, some. From time to time some of them have liked me.
LUCY. Will you miss me?
PORTER. Not if you come with me.
LUCY. I’m a bad partner.
PORTER. The past does not predict the future.
LUCY. I don’t mean him, I mean, in general.
PORTER. I could try to argue with you but I think I won’t.
LUCY. Thank you.
PORTER. Animal cracker?
LUCY. Where did those come from?
PORTER. I stole them from your room.
LUCY. You did not!
PORTER. They have them in the kitchen, believe it or not.
LUCY. Magic! Thank you!
PORTER. What should I eat first?
LUCY. Eat the whole thing whole, tonight, I’d say, definitely.
PORTER. What does that mean?
LUCY. It means life is short.
PORTER. So eat the whole thing now in case there’s no chance to eat the rest?
LUCY. No. You’re the animal.
PORTER. Oh.
They both swallow an animal whole.
LUCY. I remember my first boyfriend in high school.
PORTER. Don’t tell me about your ex-boyfriends.
LUCY. No, you’ll like this. I remember my very first time.
PORTER. Where did you do it?
LUCY. That’s not the point. We did it in my parent’s basement.
PORTER. Congratulations. I wish I had been there.
LUCY. That’s not the point. The point is..in all that time...
PORTER. Just kiss me.
LUCY. In all that time I’ve never been with someone I liked as much as you.
PORTER. Now you’re lying.
LUCY. No.
PORTER. Let’s go.
LUCY. Okay.
PORTER. Let’s go right now.
LUCY. We’re going.
PORTER. Let’s hurry.
LUCY. Ooh, I like this. You gonna tie me up?
PORTER. No.
LUCY. Spank me?
PORTER. No.
LUCY. What then?
PORTER. I’m gonna make love to you.
She puts her finger over his lips–shhh.
LUCY. I’ll be right back.
Lucy goes. Porter speaks to the audience.
PORTER. She never did come back.
Scene 17. Sound of Lucy screaming
Lucy and Janek’s cabin. Janek is slumped on the floor. Lucy kneels over him. Porter comes in.
PORTER. What is it?
LUCY. He’s not breathing!
PORTER. For how long?
LUCY. I don’t know, I just came in and he was like this!
Porter feels Janek’s neck. His hand retracts from the cold. The waiter comes in.
LUCY. Try to get help!!
Porter embraces her.
PORTER. It’s too late.
Scene 18. Janek and Lucy’s cabin
LUCY. It’s the first thing any normal person would think.
PORTER. Absolutely not.
LUCY. What about you.
WAITER. How could I?
LUCY. I don’t know, I don’t know, I’m just asking, there could be reasons.
WAITER. I mean, just, logistically–
LUCY. You’re sticking by your answer?
PORTER. Did not, did not, have anything to do with this.
LUCY. Okay, and that’s possible, it’s even likely..that crazy bastard..but—
PORTER. I would tell you.
LUCY. I think you might. And if you did, I don’t want to hear about it.
PORTER. But—
LUCY. I’m just saying if. After this moment it’s a closed deal. From all sides.
WAITER. Did you do it?
LUCY. No. I could have, but I didn’t.
PORTER. He probably did it to himself.
LUCY. I’m sure he probably did..but things happen, aboard ships..
PORTER. What did he do it with?
WAITER. He could have just swallowed gasoline.
LUCY. Please.
PORTER. Gasoline? You think he swallowed some of the ship’s gasoline?
WAITER. It’s possible.
LUCY. Please, please, who cares. I don’t want to think about the specifics.
WAITER. I’m sorry.
LUCY. Anyway it doesn’t matter, seeing that he shot himself yesterday.
PORTER. In the chest.
WAITER. At point blank.
PORTER. But he missed.
LUCY. But he didn’t mean to miss. Look we’re not gonna figure this out.
PORTER. He killed himself, there, it’s figured out.
LUCY. I agree.
WAITER. Why do I feel like we’re congress voting to pass a bill?
LUCY. It’s not congress.
WAITER. They’re going to do an autopsy.
LUCY. No doubt, and they’re going to find a man who shot himself in the chest.
PORTER. And has had too much to drink, and who swallowed the ship’s gasoline.
WAITER. Really?
PORTER. I’m just saying. Maybe he’s had something to drink other than vodka.
WAITER. Has he?
PORTER. Not that I know. But if he has, they’ll find it.
LUCY. Whatever the details, this is a man who clearly wanted to commit suicide.
PORTER. And who probably now has.
LUCY. Right. Anything else is beyond us.
WAITER. Ok.
The guys trade a glance.
LUCY. Can I be alone with my husband now?
The guys leave. Porter closes the door.
LUCY. I’m sorry baby, it’s better this way.
Scene 19. The ship is at port
The waiter comes upstairs with his bag.
PORTER. Have plans?
WAITER. Nothing special.
PORTER. Me neither. Seen Lucy?
WAITER. She might be downstairs or something.
PORTER. Strange girl.
WAITER. Seems to be.
PORTER. Coming back to this ship soon?
WAITER. Nah, this ship is bad luck.
PORTER. Think so?
WAITER. Had a gun held to my face.
PORTER. That’s right. Least the guy didn’t pull the trigger.
WAITER. True. So you’re an optimist then?
PORTER. That’s right. Smoke?
WAITER. Nah, better get my bag.
PORTER. Tsn’t that your bag right here?
WAITER. My other one. Have a nice trip.
PORTER. Yeah, you too.
The waiter goes downstairs. Lucy comes on deck. She saunters up next to Porter.
LUCY. Beautiful day.
PORTER. Beautiful day.
LUCY. I’m Lucy.
PORTER. Porter.
LUCY. Fall in love much, Porter?
PORTER. I’m finding it to be an increasingly rare event.
LUCY. You may have overcomplexified the concept.
PORTER. You think so?
LUCY. Maybe, it’s possible. My problem is I simplify it down too much.
PORTER. My problem is I can’t stay innocent about it.
LUCY. Well that is a problem.
PORTER. Why?
LUCY. Cause you can’t stay innocent.
PORTER. I suppose you’re right.
LUCY. The more time passes, more you know, the less innocent you must be.
PORTER. Do you think it’s possible to maintain an innocent outlook on it?
LUCY. On life?
PORTER. On falling in love.
LUCY. I don’t know, it’s too early in the morning for philosophy.
PORTER. Sorry.
LUCY. If you’d like to join me and my husband for drinks, however..
PORTER. That’s awful. How are you?
LUCY. I expected it.
PORTER. Still..
LUCY. For a long time.
PORTER. Still..
LUCY. I’ll be ok.
The waiter comes upstairs carrying Lucy’s bag. Lucy kisses the waiter.
LUCY. Say hi to your dogs for me.
Porter nods. Lucy takes the waiter’s arm. Lucy and the waiter go down the ship’s ramp together. Porter puffs his pipe.
PORTER. My ancestors used to say “make every encouter a fatality”. Some part of you, and some part of the person you encounter, should die in the meeting. Otherwise the meeting was less than it could have been. That is why I say, on that particular crossing, there were two fatalities aboard the Zygos Taverna.
Porter de-boards.